Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
