I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
