Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
