After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
