She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
