I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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