One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
