Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
