question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
