Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Randomize
