I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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