she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
