I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Randomize
