If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
