we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
