Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
