I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
