I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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