I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
