I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
