My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
How many fucks given?
0.12846
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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