I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
