At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
