Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
as a side note pls kill me
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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