how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
