Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
