i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
