sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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