I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
