sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
this boner is exhausting
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
