I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
