I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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