Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
