Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
