why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
