Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
