weddingsv make me drug and hornr
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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