I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My ATM looks so different sober.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
