That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
