that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
