the new term for farting is butt boxing.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
