i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
