Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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