Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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