At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
