Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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