i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
