Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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