there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
