There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
